There is a lot of talk about empathy these days, but I do not hear a lot about self empathy. I have found the practice of self empathy hugely beneficial, so I thought I would share.
Self empathy is defined as a deep and compassionate awareness of one’s own inner experience. When I am triggered by someone’s behavior, I often feel what feels like anger. My jaw gets tight, and I feel a constriction in my throat. This is my inner experience … my body is screaming “help!” That used to be as far as I got before I lashed out with my intellectual bully or my saintly martyr (actually a victim with a plan). Neither of these reactions were very likely to get me what I wanted.
Then I learned Nonviolent Communication- a simple process that can and will become fluid and automatic with practice. The four step process can be used in any and all situations- to empathize with someone in distress, to talk to your boss, to navigate a conflict with your teenager, or to talk about finances with your spouse. It is also the best way to relate to myself and give myself some empathy.
1. Observation- make observations about what just happened without evaluation.
Evaluation- He never lets me know what is going on! He is so irresponsible!
Observation- When I got home the house was empty and there was no not. By making a simple observation, I am starting to separate the people from the problem. And the problem is really simple and clear.
2. Feelings- what is going on for me?
I was so excited to finish work early on a Friday night so we could play! I thought everyone was going to be home, and I am angry and confused. I am thinking about all of the times I have felt left out, and I am really sad. That’s what is really going on… I am sad.
3. Needs- I know what I don’t want pretty easily … my work is to translate what I don’t want into what I do want.
I want to be included in the family’s plans. If the plans change while I am at work, then I want to know. I want to matter enough that he does not forget me! I realize that I played a part. I could have called or sent a text that I am done early. The universal human needs are for inclusion and communication.
4. Requests- ask for what I want in a way that is doable and respectful.
When you were not here, I felt angry and sad. I was so disappointed and really wish that I had known where everyone was so I could join in. I wish I had let you know I was coming home early, and in the future I will try and communicate more timely. Would you be willing to send me a text next time the plans change and tell me? And would you be willing to take your phone when you leave?
This process is simple… not always easy… but always simple. The request that I made is more likely to get me what I want than yelling and screaming and blaming others for my pain.
There are lots of Nonviolent Communication resources available online, and there are local resources as well. If you want to know more, drop me a note and I would be happy to link you up!
