“When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.” ~ Jimi Hendrix
(Artwork by Jeff Barnum)
Nonviolent Communication distinguishes between “power over” and “power with” and learning the difference can make a huge impact… like a trim tab moment.
Power Over means “if you don’t comply, there will be consequences. It means what I am asking for is a demand… Instead of a request where your needs in this situation matter as much as mine.
Power With means we get to figure this out in a way thats a win-win. Not a compromise where we each get to share 50% of the resentment, but a true win-win, where we each consider the needs of the other and make a decision together.
I cannot meet my needs at the expense of someone else, or there will be conflict. Period. Unfortunately the legal system, a system designed for advocacy and justice, someone usually wins at the expense of someone else. So why do we go there?
We go there because divorce is a legal process. Only the courts can dissolve a marriage, and only the courts can make your division of assets legally binding. They provide a protective structure for everyone. The courts, however, do not have to design your future. You can create the design and ask the court to make it legal and binding. Both can be true.
I had the privilege of working with one family that went to great lengths for both parents to enjoy parenting time with their children. They rented a home with an upstairs apartment, and the Dad lives upstairs while the Mom lives downstairs. They are sharing expenses in this way to minimize the impact of going from a two income family to two one income families. Their three children get to be with both parents all of the time, and the parents maintain clear, respectful boundaries of each others space.
I know this situation is quite unique and would not work for most people and I also know that lawyers and judges may never have come up with this arrangement. Such mutual consideration is Power With in spades.
To learn more about mediation click here, and to learn more about Nonviolent Communication click here.
