The Raven and the Dove

I often see parties spending time and energy trying to prove the other wrong. The belief seems to be, “they must be wrong for me to be right.” Sadly, the legal system promotes this kind of thinking. Build your case. Prove your story so it will trump the other story. This focuses our attention in the place of wrongness. And that is where resistance lives.

In truth, both stories can be right. Like the raven and the dove, life wears two faces.

Life wears two faces and one is no less real than the other. If everything were the same all of the time, there would be no variety, no excitement, and no balance. There would be no black to offset white, no sunset to finish the day that began with sunrise, and no warmth to chase away the cold. But that which gives your journey balance throughout this life also brings difficulty. In the end, it also brings a gift we often do not see. Life is not all sadness. Yet, without sadness we would not yearn for joy, and strive to find it, and treasure it when it comes.  (Joseph Marshall, The Art of Perseverance)

The two faces bring us balance… and they bring us information. When I see clearly what I don’t want, I can use this information to figure out what I DO want. I want to focus my attention in the place that holds my answers. I see this as part of my job in mediation – to support both parties in finding their answers by shining the light in the direction where they are most likely going to find their answers.

Mom- I do not want him to pick up the kids at our house. Every time he comes over he tries to come into the house, and we get into a fight. It’s not his house anymore! And I do not want his girlfriend to call. I will not deal with her about our children. She just talks and talks and tries to be all sweet, and I know it is all an act!
Me- So you want to transfer the children at some place other than your home.
Mom- yes
Me- and you want communication about the children only with dad?
Mom- No. If his girlfriend needs to talk to me about picking up the kids, I want her to send me a text.
Me- Okay that is clear. Where do you think would be a good place to transfer the kids?
Mom- I want to make the transfer at the McDonalds on Nolensville Road.

Now we are very clear about what the mom wants. She was able to shift from what she did not want to specifics about what she wanted.

Me- dad, are you willing to pick up the kids at McDonalds at 5pm on Fridays?
Dad- This is ridiculous! The only reason I come into the house is because the kids want to show me stuff. It’s their house too! She just can’t get over the past. She’s the one that keeps bringing stuff up. Like “did you bring my check?” Or “the kids have a school play at 4:00 next Thursday and need costumes.” Picking up the kids is not the right time to go there. She makes it difficult… not me. This is ridiculous.
Me- so you also want the transfer to be stress free.
Dad- yes.
Me- So what do you think would make the transfer less stressful?
Dad- well I guess if we did it at McDonalds then she wouldn’t make a scene in front of everybody else.
Me- so transferring the kids at McDonalds works for you?
Dad- yes.

Each party was able to make a decision that would meet their own needs when they shifted their focus. No one had to be proven wrong for a solution that works for everyone to be right…